There is a constant re-negotiating, in my subconscious, for mom's soul. I dream an endless cycle of re-animation, in which she can come back but only on certain terms, certain conditions. If she does come back to life, I am suspicious, but selfishly delighted. Like last night, she was back, but I knew there was a catch. I found out she had to give up something of her eternal soul just to be there for a night of ballet. She's in varying states of decay when I see her. It's never happy and healthy and true communication. It is the dead brought back to life: rotting flesh, corpse-like, or still sick with the illness that brought her down. I know there is a price, and last night was the first time I thought it wasn't worth it for her to pay it. In the past, even if her limbs were falling off, in my dream I would say, "but at least she's here!" Last night, I finally was able to say, "whatever you're losing is not worth the cost of coming back."

...and then she disappeared.

1 Comments:

That, my friend, is all very natural and good and elemental and mysterious at the same time.
tifanie | 10.02.06 - 11:23 pm | #

Yes.

And yes, my love.
-p
Pammikins | 10.12.06 - 9:03 pm | #

By Blogger adriana, at Monday, October 08, 2007 3:39:00 PM  

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Monday, October 02, 2006 : 12:00 PM     1 Comments  




 

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