As brilliant and wonderful and functional and healthy as the idea is, you can't put a deadline on Grief. I would very much like to look at my watch and give it some very exasperated sighs right now. I've got its coat, and I'm standing at the door, but it seems to be entirely comfy on the couch. I guess I'll go snuggle up to it, as it seems the only way it is responsive to me is if we're wrapped in embrace.
It's too soon. Too soon.
A year ago this weekend, we went to Monterey together and ate pumpkin tortellini and fell in love with the sea otters. We also met all these other people with her cancer. They had and offered so much hope. How many of them are gone now? The organizer has asked me a couple of times to attend this year but I just can't. I mean, what could I possibly say to these people? Nothing helpful, that's certain.
Maybe when the holidays are over and this year ends it'll start to feel better. Maybe maybe maybe.
One cool thing, though, that is actually kind of shocking, is that my neice and nephew are now watching Star Wars for the first time. Isabella is now TORN between wanting to be Princess Leia or Esmeralda for Halloween. Has Disney finally been unseated? My nephew now likes to be "Wook Skywakuh." ANYTHING to trump the tyranny of Thomas the Tank Engine, who has held Nathaniel in his iron grip for more than two years now. It's not too far a jump from Jedis to Hobbits.
I keep asking everybody WHEN is it that I will feel okay about all of this. I just want an answer...I don't want people's advice or stories. I want to stop crying while I'm in my car or at work. I want to stop having dreams she's here.I want to know when it is that I will accept this... I love you!! Gabriella | 10.12.04 - 1:55 pm | #
There is no limit. Someday you will just realize it doesn't pinch and twist and tear so much, but it will always sort of throb in there. It's ok- there's alot of room for joy, pain, and unknown things in both of your beautiful hearts. tifanie | 10.12.04 - 7:45 pm | #
Tifanie you are absolutely right, the only thing to do is to continue to make room for it, blessed be. Huge, Fat, Lazerbeam Love to you! amani | 10.13.04 - 3:43 am | #
Wow. Hard to say anything that Gabriella asked specifically not to hear. And, I sympathize with her. And, the only thing I can say is... it's better to feel than to be numb. Because when you're free from pain, well, you tend to be free from everything... a ghostwalker through life. And that's not what this bunch of people is about (some of you, I know personally and the others, well... I can tell.) maielloclypse the younger | 10.13.04 - 8:29 pm | #
You have lived on the lip of insanity, wanting to know reasons, knocking on a door. It opens. You've been knocking from the inside!
Keep walking, though there's no place to go. Don't try to see through the distances. That's not for human beings. Move within, but don't move the way fear makes you move.
You're song, a wished for song.
Go through the ear to the center where sky is, where wind, where silent knowing. Put seeds and cover them. Blades will sprout where you do your work.
Remember her, and keep your balance.
-Rumi Shawn | Homepage | 10.14.04 - 9:12 am | #
Nothing but much, much love to you... *squeeze* Mimi | 10.15.04 - 12:22 am | #