I'm terribly embarassed to admit that Star Wars has only been out a week and I've already seen it three times. That's just...I don't even know what that is. I can't help it, it's got a planet named Geonosis! I mean, really!

I've gotten a certain amount of ants in my pants about using our weekends well. I can't seem to stay inside. The idea of being trapped in the apartment is stifling. Luckily my hubby has been of the same opinion, so we've been taking little excursions. So, this weekend, after the play on Saturday we will be heading down to San Diego for some SeaWorld action. I hear tell that you can actually pet a dolphin. Very exciting. We can't seem to take trips like regular adults to sensible bed and breakfastes and so forth. I like it this way. I prefer these adventures, these social experiments. I feel that everything I see is homework for my acting and songwriting.

I am so amazed for my Mom and Dad, who are actually going on the trip of a lifetime on Tuesday. For over 30 years, my Mother has waited to go to Italy and see her relatives, and the time has finally come. It feels that this is a huge rite of passage for her in mourning my grandmother's death. I am so excited for them, and nervous at the same time for completely selfish reasons. I realized that there is a certain amount of comfort in knowing that my parents are accessible at any time. They are an invisible anchor, and knowing they will be gone and having experiences I will not share is making me emotional.

Come to think of it, when it gets right down to it, I've been thinking about death a lot lately. Probably way too much. Every single day when I see or talk to people, I think, "This may be the last time I see you." Every time I get into my car I imagine worst-case scenarios. Every time my husband arrives home from work I feel we have cheated death another day. My dreams have centered around how I would deal with the losses of certain key people. I feel like I'm bracing myself for something. This is probably what comes of working for a dead man for four years, followed by a year of many losses. The thing is, I find I'm not so afraid of death, more afraid of the feeling of loss if left behind, and how very much work I have to do before my time ought to be up.

GUH! Thought about erasing that, but hell. It's the truth. ANYWAYS, tell me what YOU'RE going to do this weekend, and what you'll be...Memorializing.


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Friday, May 24, 2002 : 12:07 PM     0 Comments  


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